American Apparel: The Quest for Sexy

“We like sexy at American Apparel.”  -Dov Charney, CEO

It all started about a month ago.  I was searching the part-time jobs on Craigslist, and came across an ad for open calls at American Apparel.  I’d been wanting to do an article on AA for a while, so it seemed like a golden opportunity: learn more than I could’ve dreamed for the article, acquire a much-needed second job, and get a discount on v-neck shirts and non-prescription glasses?  Count me the fuck in.  I hastily constructed a resumé, and set out for the American Apparel on Grant Ave. in Union Square.  After talking to the manager for about 30 seconds, she scheduled an interview with me for the following Tuesday, telling me to “wear clean shoes, because they’re really picky about that.”

For those who don’t know, American Apparel has a somewhat unique hiring process.  All of AA’s models are also employees, so if you’re applying for a job as a sales associate, you’re basically applying to be a sales associate/model, which they photograph you for.  All of the photos of applicants are approved either by the company founder, Dov Charney, or his assistants.  It wasn’t something I was terribly concerned about - I do have red hair, which is a handicap in the realm of modeling, but people have been telling me I should do it for years, so I just prayed they weren’t wrong and prepared myself for the interview by reading everything I could on their website, familiarizing myself with the product line, and, of course, doing lots of heroin and sit-ups.

Tuesday finally came, and I put on my immaculate white slip-ons and some semi-professional hipster attire.  The interview went great.  In fact, it was the best interview I’ve had for any job.  I had plenty of knowledge about the company, and the manager and I talked at length about the vertically-integrated business model, the unique styles, the tertiary color palette, and how great it is that everything is made in the good old U.S. of A.  He then took two pictures of me - one head shot, and one body shot, which I’ve recreated here for your viewing pleasure.

I also asked him to put a post-it on the pictures that said I had eyebrows, and that they were just kind of difficult to see.  He assured me that it wouldn’t make a difference, as one of the employees there actually had no eyebrows at all.  Touche.

I was asked about hours, what days I could work, and when I’d like to start.  Like the end of any interview, he told me I could expect a call back within a week, and that we’d be in touch soon for a second interview.  I walked out of the store beaming with delight that day, thinking to myself, “Well, all I have to worry about now are my photos!”  

A week passed, so I paid the store a visit to see what my status was.  The manager who interviewed me was there, and said that they hadn’t heard back from corporate on the photos yet.  He said that it could be another week, and added that if I were to be hired, it would probably be for one of the other stores in San Francisco, as things had slowed down a bit at the Union Square store.  It was a minor setback, but I only live a few miles from the Haight Street store, so I didn’t let it bother me too much.

Another week passes.  After hearing nothing back, I decide to call.  The same manager tells me that “corporate has been responding really slowly” and that hiring has slowed down, but that they have my resume on file, and asks if there’s anything else he can do for me today, as if I was calling to see if they had fanny packs in stock.

Like I said, the interview went well enough that I didn’t really have any doubts about getting the second interview.  The only obstacle was getting my photos approved, which, I have to boldly assume, were denied.  Out of curiosity, I went onto the American Apparel website to look at their models, which they have an extensive list of (http://americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/index.html).  Most of them look ethnically ambiguous: brown hair and brown eyes is the norm for most, with the occasional handsome black dude or coy Asian female.  Of the 160 featured models, one of them has red hair.  And she’s a lady.  

I’m already pretty familiar with the fact that people with red hair don’t get a lot of face time in the world of acting, much less modeling.  I mean, name three celebrities with red hair that aren’t Ron Howard or Julianne Moore (not counting Shaun White, Carrot Top, or the guy that played Rocky in the movie ‘Mask’ because none of them are real celebrities).  You simply don’t see guys with red hair modeling for anything except maybe sun screen ads.  I can deal with that truth.  Gingers are creepy.

What’s more haunting is the knowledge that Dov Charney and his well-dressed henchmen looked at my photo and didn’t deem me worthy enough to work in one of their retail stores based completely on my appearance.  Hell, I could even deal with that if Dov himself was a sexy beast, but that’s not really the case.  Let’s do a test:  I want you to close your eyes, and imagine what a stereotypical child molester looks like.  Okay, got it?  Great.  Now open your eyes....  Does he look anything like this man?

That’s funny, because this is just a picture of Dov Charney, the founder and CEO of American Apparel.  Yeah, this is the guy that thought people wouldn’t buy a v-neck from me because, you know, my appearance might make them uncomfortable.  Well, allow me to call bullshit.  If my chiseled and mildly awkward features won’t sell slim slacks, then why not try to meet the gold standard for American Apparel?  Why not emulate the man who embodies the very identity of the company?  Why not reapply as a protege of the founder himself:  Mr. Dov Charney....

I want to reapply to American Apparel, I really do.  But my current ‘look’ isn’t cutting the mustard.  I can’t make myself look exactly like the stunning demigod known as ‘Dov’, but I’ll try to meet him halfway.  The posting of this article (and corresponding video - I’ll link it this week) will mark the beginning of my transformation into the jaded male dream machine that fucker has always wanted in his stores to peddle his tertiary-colored slim slacks.  In 2-3 months, I’ll reapply for the position of sales associate/model with all the ideal qualities embodied by this king of retail kings.  And better yet, I’ll be recording the whole debacle in Part 2 of ‘American Apparel: The Quest for Sexy’.  Mr. Charney, prepare to be blown into the next fortnight.  Your apprentice is coming.